Fear: What to do about it

I've always been fascinated by motorcycles (insert your armchair psychologist explanation here). Several years ago, when a co-worker had a nasty accident on his motorcycle, my heart sank as I imagined myself getting into that situation. At that time, I determined that my riding days were over before they started.

This is an example of fear. And denying myself an opportunity to overcome fear.

Last year, I attended a keynote delivered by a former marketing manager from Harley Davidson. The flame was rekindled. But the fear, uncertainty, and doubt persisted. I asked myself, "Is this a good idea?" No matter what I tried, I could not shake this feeling off. I decided to wait it out to see which "feeling" would win.

This is not very different from the time I was about to ask my wife to marry me. This is an example of conflicting fears.

The desire to ride a motorcycle won. I took lessons, studied diligently, you can read about my preparation here.

Every time I rode my bike, I was on tenterhooks. While I was still functional, my awareness would rise to heights I did not believe were possible. It increased the joys of riding, but I wished I could ride without the nagging feeling of dread.

Then I crashed, with my son on the pillion. You can read about it here. During and after the crash, I felt a sense of calm. Perhaps the focus on problem solving was a distraction. I had to provide an explanation to my son's mother, get the bike home, make sure my friend was okay, and then get the bike fixed.

The fear persisted. I persisted with riding my bike.

This is an example of facing one's fears with a determination to find a resolution, and acceptance that it will take time, and this resolution has no timelines or deadlines.

I decided that my son will not ride pillion till I improved my riding skills.

Then I had a breakthrough. I took a class to improve my "slow riding" skills. I immediately saw why I crashed with my son on the pillion. I did not have the skills to take sharp turns at slow speeds on a heavy bike.

Instead of falling on grenades, meaning, facing your fear with pointless bravado, identify the skills you may be missing.

The following week, I signed up for a group ride on route 130, a challenging, twisty road that goes up to Lick Observatory in San Jose (see picture of destination above and map below). 




The organizer introduced the ride thus, "This is a great route to ride. Its about 40 miles in each direction, and there are about 120 turns/corners each way. This route is sure to challenge all riders and has some technical turns that are off camber, with an incline and about 120 degree turn radius. These very tight hairpins that include the incline/decline test a rider's ability to maintain focus, look through the corner, manage speed and throttle control and power through the corner without running wide or stalling mid corner."

I spoke to the organizer of the ride and asked, "Should I do this ride? Am I ready?" His answer was without hesitation, "Of course! You will enjoy it. You can do it." For some reason he had more confidence in me than I did.

It is okay to seek affirmation from others, but self-confidence will come only from within.

To cut a long story short, I completed one of the most challenging rides, and took the curves that led to my crash earlier with far greater skill.

The only way to build your self esteem is to accomplish something. Even if it means having to face your fears. The more you face your fears, the higher your confidence will rise.

The rest of the group were more experienced and soon I lost sight of them. I rode at my pace. The sweep (last rider in the group) and one other rider in front escorted me patiently as I made my way through the twists and turns.

If you are willing to work on your fears, the universe will automatically send help. Work at your pace and not at someone else's pace.

I did a few things to improve my ability to take the sharp turns that have a steep incline:

• Rapidly dropped gears to improve my traction before a curve.
• Used the rear brake to stabilize myself.
• Did not use the front brake unless I had to.
• Looked up and ahead through the curve, and did not look down.
• Finally, the most important, I was prepared for and constantly on the look out for sharp turns that have a steep incline.

Trust is all well and good, but be vigilant and check things out for yourself. Just because the rider in front managed to navigate a curve with aplomb does not mean success is assured for me.

I still have to drop gears before entering a curve, not while I am in the curve, but the fact that I was able to complete the ride was a significant accomplishment for a person at my level of riding skills.

Now I was ready for the next stage of my development.

How to retain humility and constantly improve my riding skills.

As my rider coach summarized at the end of the ride, "Fear is not a bad thing. You cannot explain why it arises, and you cannot (or should not) make it go away. You have to learn how to manage it."

Words to live by.

Fear is a complex subject. Risk analysis, personal comfort, personal circumstances, and your context all play a role. No one can analyze all that but yourself. Perhaps even you cannot analyze all the variables. If you paused to do so, you would be paralyzed by inaction.

This is a plausible explanation for why faith, courage, and determination are encouraged and admired. Find your own way to overcome your fears. Build character along the way.

Most important tip, learn motorcycle riding from a trained and experienced rider coach, not from blogs like this one.

How to accelerate your learning

Falling from a motorcycle is unpleasant. It damages the bike and the rider's ego. When I rode a Suzuki 100cc, I fell a couple of times, but the damage was slight. The speeds were low, the bike was light, and I was generally a careful rider. When I moved up to the Suzuki Boulevard, a much heavier bike, I knew I had to seriously upgrade my riding skills. The bike is not light, and the speed could not be slow. Riding a bigger bike at higher speeds requires a higher degree of skill and you have to be more prepared. Mastering this complexity is a journey to be enjoyed.

I put in a lot of hours reading, practicing, and learning motorcycle riding skills. And yet, one fine morning, unexpectedly, I crashed. The most significant damage was to the gear shift lever, it was bent out of shape, and had to be replaced. There were scratches to my bike, my riding gear, and to my ego, but otherwise I was unscatched. My wife did not take away my motorcycle keys and was generally understanding about the whole incident.

But the incident kept bothering me. If I had taken so much care why did I crash? In general, I am obsessed with preventing problems. It gives me the joy of learning, the comfort that comes from preparing, and the peace of mind that I did my best to prevent problems. I mulled over the incident more than I should have and reached a few conclusions.

Is riding motorcycles inherently dangerous and are crashes inevitable? Is riding cars safer and crash free? Yes, Perhaps, Perhaps, and No. The previous week, I had a collision when driving my car. The roads were wet, visibility was poor, I was turning a corner, and had a momentary lapse of concentration, though I was being very careful. This may seem to be a contradiction, but being too careful actually increases risks.

The following week, I attended a riding course where I got a chance to practice "advanced" riding skills. Simply put, I concluded my ability to corner is the most important skill I needed for safe riding. To develop this skill, I needed confidence in myself and in my motorcycle. 

A startling discovery brought me peace and anxiety at the same time.

• To develop skill, you need confidence. You will grow confident when you improve your skills.
• Giving yourself 100% to the task at hand is the only way to develop skill and confidence. This is also known as "commitment."
• Some lessons are learned only the hard way. You cannot prevent every problem, but you can retain your ego and your reputation by being careful.

You have to take calculated risks in what you do.Trying to live a risk-free life is "defensive living" and that will inevitably lead to a less-fulfilled life. It is possible to go overboard and be overly aggressive, that will dramatically increase your uncontrollable risks. Being super cautious will lower your quality of life and in some cases, increase your risks. (Those who have driven behind a timid driver on the highway know this is true)

Don't over analyze your mistakes. Learn from them and move on. Suspend judgement, don't look for excuses don't blame or find fault with yourself or your bike. "If only..." is a trigger that you may be judging yourself, though it does not sound that way.

Think of learning as a process of "calibration." You try something, it does not work. You make a small adjustment, then try again. You keep trying till you succeed. Once you succeed, miraculously, all your past sins are forgiven. Well, assuming you made errors you could recover from. First find your comfort zone, and cautiously step outside it with baby steps. There is no rush, this is not a race. Don't try to jump from novice to expert in one step. It is not only not possible, but is downright dangerous.

Back to motorcycle riding. The key lesson for me is not to "baby" the bike. Firm, assertive gear changes and smooth acceleration is key when taking corners. There are other elements as well, consult a trained professional to learn what they are.

Can you truly accelerate your learning? If you devote more time to learning, yes, you will learn faster. If you learn the proper methods, you will learn faster. You will be limited by your capacity to learn (this is outside your control) and your willingness to push yourself beyond your limits (this is in your control) and knowing how to do so safely (get help!). 

Taking a spill on a motorcycle

My friend, my son, and I were riding in the East Bay today, and were awed by the gorgeous sights. My son was on the pillion, soaking in the ambience. I never thought the East Bay would be so beautiful. The roads were lined with meadows and lush green hills. No traffic was in sight, the fog came and went as we alternated through the shade and sun.

We unexpectedly encountered a steep and sharp left turn, and I was totally unprepared. The motorcycle stopped and slowly tipped over to the left side, and made contact with the ground. My leg was pinned under the machine. I looked over at my son, who lay still on the ground. My mind was calm as it raced to assess what had happened and what needed to be done.

To my relief, my son responded to my queries, and said his left knee was hurting and it was trapped. We somehow wiggled his leg free, and I persuaded him to lift the motorcycle an inch to get my leg free. While my son sat dazed and nursing his knee on the side of the road, I noticed that gasoline was leaking on to the road. With energy that appeared out of nowhere, I managed to lift the heavy motorcycle upright. I suppose I had watched too many movies where automobiles exploded after the camera showed the scene of leading gasoline.

The left footrest was jammed into the gear shift, making the motorcycle unrideable. I called a tow truck using my American Motorcycle Association membership.

The first instinct of the tow truck driver (from S&F Towing) was to see if he could fix the motorcycle and make it rideable. As he said, "Maybe you can save some money." In spite of his best efforts, he did not succeed, and I ended up getting a ride back home in the tow truck. Since the mechanic was closed on Sunday, I requested a last minute change of destination. The tow truck driver did not charge me extra for that request. I marvelled at the fact that there are decent people still around who do not try to exploit the misfortunes of their customers.

My friend was good enough to hang around till the tow truck arrived, he left after ensuring that we were all taken care of. The boy's mother (my lovely wife) drove over 50 miles in a big hurry to pick up him up and take him to the doctor.

A visit to the doctor confirmed that my son will have bruises, but no broken bones. My left knee was slightly sore, my riding suit was scuffed, but now I had battle scars to show. My son's Bohn armor saved him from a more serious consequence. Amazingly, there was not a scratch on his clothing. Our helmets did not make contact with the ground, and so we get to keep them.

Needless to say, the boy's mother was not happy. But her support throughout the incident was focused and exemplary. May you all get such support from your spouses!

Later in the afternoon, my son walks up to me and says, "I am ready for the ride next Saturday." Though shaken by the incident, he has not developed fear or aversion to motorcycle riding.

The lesson learned: stay away from twisty roads until my skill improves. If I want to do twisty's, a cruiser is not the right choice. We will be sticking to straight line riding, and mild curves till I gain experience and skill.

Tangible versus Intangible reasons for riding a motorcycle

For motorcycle riders, the question "Why do you enjoy riding a motorcycle?" seems pointless. The stock answer from an impatient rider would be, "If you want to know, why don't you ride one and find out?" The question may be hard to answer because the answer requires a rider to communicate his or her thoughts, feelings, and emotions and connect with the listener. And the listener may have never ridden a motorcycle, and may have no interest in doing so. This is not easy.

If I were to give it a try, my response would be, motorcycle riding generates the right balance of tangible and intangible feelings in the rider. If you care about this sort of thing. Caveat: For those who have substantial barriers to appreciating motorcycles (fear, preconceived notions, bias, indifference), this or any other explanation will seem completely pointless. 

(Which leads me to the best possible advice I can give--do not try to convert anyone to be a motorcycle rider or make them like it. But that is a topic for a different blog)

You entire body and mind is engaged when riding a motorcycle. You have to maintain your balance, constantly use your hand-eye coordination, you hear and feel the motorcycle's engine and change gears to keep it smooth and comfortable, I could go on and on.

The intangible part is the sensations that are generated when you view a beautiful scenic route, smoothly taking a curve, and the feeling of independence.

It is crucial that you observe the thoughts, feelings, and emotions with complete equanimity. I have noticed more than once, if I give in to the pleasant sensations, if I relax to much, or my concentration wavers, I am swiftly brought back to reality when my motorcycle twitches because I went around a curve too fast, or hit an unseen bump on the road. This generates a lot of unpleasant sensations, which I have to observe with complete equanimity as well. In simple terms, avoid panic and rash moves when moving at high speeds.

The tangible and intangible feelings perhaps sum up the value proposition of riding a motorcycle. You can get these feelings from other sources, some may say this is true of flying aircraft and sailing boats. Yes, that is true. But you are here because you have an interest in motorcycles, so I will proceed with that assumption!

This leads me to the general principles of communicating with your fellow human beings. How to provide the information required by your listener, whether at work or at home, how to assess readiness for change and action, and how to deal with the pleasant and unpleasant sensations that arise when communicating with your fellow human beings, is a vast topic and takes years of practice to master. Numerous books have been written and more continue to be written. Most of these focus on the "how" and the "mechanics" and very few try to teach the "feel" part of communication.

Ultimately, mastery in communication requires skill and taking an interpersonal risk. The ultimate skills of communication--knowing when to be quiet and not say anything, and knowing when to listen, and knowing when to speak--can only be learnt, not taught.

Escaping from/to Reality (on a motorcycle

As I begin to ride, I feel a sense of calm come over me. I am not wildly excited about riding, nor am I petrified with fear. I feel calm, or, if you prefer, equanimous. This is the zone where I can truly enjoy the ride, without anxiety or fear or over-confidence.

When I lose equanimity during a ride, I tend to take risks that prove disastrous (yes, it has happened, but I recovered quickly) or I tense up and open myself up to the possibility of mistakes.

As a fellow motorcyclist put it in his post somewhere, when I ride, the "layers of bullshit" just peels away, as I get away from the ups and downs of my daily life.

This troubles me. I wish to ride because it requires me to be equanimous, and there is joy in being equanimous. But I do not wish to run away from reality to get this joy. I wish to enjoy my day-to-day existence as well, with the same joy that I get when I ride. What I am trying to say in a roundabout way, is that I am trying to be equanimous in my day-to-day life, but succeeding better when I am on a motorcycle.

Why is that?

For one thing, when I am on a motorcycle, I have to pay complete attention to what I am doing. It is a matter of life and death. I plan ahead, but also adjust and go with the flow. For another, I take action or take evasive action without judgment. There is no room for losing my temper or being critical of events and people. People around me treat me with respect and caution because what I am doing is very clear. I ride to enjoy myself, they don't want to spoil that. I could be of danger to them, so they are careful around me on the road. I train hard, practice my skills, read a lot about motorcycles, but ultimately, the tasks on a motorcycle are simple.

Reality is different, tasks are more complex, there are multiple personalities at home and work, thoughts (cravings and aversions) crowd into my mind and paralyze me, I lack skills in a few crucial areas, and I have trouble decoding the contradictory and critical feedback from my fellow human beings.

This means I have to work harder in my day-to-day life. If I accept this reality (hard work), then the situation begins to resemble a motorcycle ride. It actually feels like a lot of little motorcycle rides, and so I need to stop between rides, clean my bike, check fluids, give the engine a rest, and then continue. 

One way my day-to-day life is "better" (not a satisfactory description, but you'll get the point). I can afford only one bike, and that bounds my capabilities. In real life, I can become a bigger bike with my efforts.

Perhaps this is too simple an analogy. I know there is more to it. But for now, this gives me some calm.

How to pass a motorcycle written test

First, let me make it very clear, I despise and dislike tests. Second, let me also make it very clear that tests are necessary.

Why this oxymoronic observation? Read on to learn more...

I prepared hard for the motorcycle written test at the Department of Motor Vehicles (DMV). I read the California Motorcycle Handbook end to end. I read the California Driver Handbook, both the iBook and PDF versions. I took the sample tests in the iBook version and on the DMV web site. I downloaded apps for my iPhone and took those tests as well. The online tutorial was helpful as well.

I did not make many mistakes in the practice tests, but it really bothers me when I don't know the answer or if I have to guess. I went back into the Manuals, and occasionally the YouTube videos to seek clarification. The thought at the back of my mind was, questions I've never seen may appear on the test and I have to have all the information I need in my head so I can get to the answer by using common sense and first principles.

Having taken the Basic Rider Course sponsored by the Motorcycle Safety Foundation, I was exempt from the skill test at the DMV, but I was determined not to let that lower my guard. While you cannot learn how to drive by reading books and manuals, the information provided will save me time when learning on the bike.

Fast forward... I passed the written test. I was pleased, because my plan worked. My plan is described below:

• I accepted that tests are necessary and it will keep me and others safe if I go thru the process. This foundational and fundamental belief cleared the way for me and every obstacle to preparing and taking the test suddenly become enjoyable.
• I separated "knowing how to ride" from "taking a test." Knowing how to ride will save my life. Knowing how to take a test will get me a license. No license, no ride.
• Knowing how to ride is also foundational and fundamental. Otherwise I might pass the test with guesswork, and that will result in my forming bad habits. If I can guess my way out of a test, I can guess my way out of tough situations, right?
• I noticed most of my issues were with the vocabulary used in the manuals and by the instructors. The concepts were easy and intuitive, after all I have the experience of riding motorcycles. So if I did not understand what was spoken or written, I would take extra care to research and learn it.
• Some of the questions were phrased ambiguously. At such moments, it is critical for me to suspend judgment and focus on what the answer needs to be. This taught me how to focus on eliminating the wrong answers or selecting the best one. Getting upset at a poorly worded question is pointless.
• I looked for and used all the free resources. There is quite a bit available. I almost paid for iPhone apps to get additional practice questions, but their design did not inspire confidence and ultimately it did not matter.

Here is the tipping point for me: On the morning of the test, I watched a few YouTube videos where actual tests administered recently were posted. After going thru a few, I felt really well prepared. Was this cheating? Not in my case. I was determined to be knowledgeable and the written test was just a mere "check in the box" at this point. If I did not pass the test, I would spend time preparing for the next one, not to mention added cost and a loss of confidence.

Psychologists will have a field day with my line of thinking. They will tell you about my "fear of failure," "obsessive compulsive behavior," "perfectionist," "anal retentiveness," and perhaps an esteem problem. Napoleon Hill will tell you it is perhaps a "fear of success."

Whatever.

On the one hand, such coaching and feedback is distraction. None of these people are experts on who I am. It is critical that I understand what makes me comfortable, what makes me tick, how I learn and retain information, and what test taking strategies work for me. Once I understand myself, I will be a high performance test taking machine. 

On the other hand, such coaching and feedback is a description of how I come across. To that extent, it is valid and useful. There is no way to keep everyone happy along the way, but I try not to do anything to make it worse. For example, if I am studying hard, I try not to ignore my duties (doing the dishes, walking the dog, take the garbage out, put the laundry away) and try not to be irritable in my demeanour. No one should feel I am under stress from studying for a test. 

Focus and dedication will pay off. I can only get better.

Day to day interactions and incidents in the workplace are also tests. A dysfunctional co-worker, micromanaging boss, irrational executive, demanding customer, you take your pick of what causes you stress in the workplace. Your task is to treat each interaction as a test and learn how to pass it using systematic methods and without stress. 

Add to that marital challenges and teenagers in the house. In my case I have a spouse who is 99% perfect and kids who are near role models of good behavior. So why do I have trouble with "tests" at home? See above for some reasons.

The virtue of Patience

The dictionary defines "patience" as "the capacity to accept or tolerate delay, trouble, or suffering without getting angry or upset."

Being patient is not the same as being "laid back." Patient people can come across as lazy, disinterested, slow to act, or even of low intelligence. This distinction is important so you do not misread the other person or develop wrong traits in yourself under the impression that you are cultivating patience.

"Patience" requires you to avoid actions triggered by anger, irritation, or impatience. But action is key, sometimes the action must be swift and almost instinctive.

Let us review a couple of examples.

• You sit on your motorcycle at a busy intersection, waiting for an opportunity to join the traffic and continue to your destination. You wait, and you wait. If you get impatient and force your way into the traffic, you could trigger a collision. In this situation, you must patiently wait for a safe opening for you to proceed.
• Your motorcycle stalls in the middle of the road and you resolve to be patient. You calmly troubleshoot your motorcycle and are mowed down by a motorist who did not see you in time. This is not a good example of showing patience, this is an example of a poorly chosen action. Quickly move your motorcycle to the side of the road and proceed to patiently troubleshoot.
• You call your spouse from a scenic spot on the highway and tell him or her about how beautiful the scenery is and how you wish he or she was there with you. You are then subjected to a tirade of how irresponsible you are for not finishing your chores prior to going on your ride. If you are patient, you will calmly interrupt your spouse, tell him or her you will hear the rest when you get home, hang up the phone, and continue to enjoy the excursion. Avoid replaying that conversation in your head during your drive home.

When I purchased the motorcycle, the accessories had to be ordered and installed. This took a few days. A snowstorm delayed all deliveries, adding to the aggravation. It was a moment to practice patience. I took care to inform the dealer that just because I am patient, not being a "squeaky wheel," he is not to put me to the back of the line. I expected installation and delivery the day he gets the accessories. Sometimes, it is necessary to inject urgency in your request, find ways for doing so without becoming impatient.

An extreme example: If you are a firefighter, and the victims trapped in the fire are not cooperating, or moving fast enough, you have to keep the urgency high, and showing impatience may make the victims tense or they may panic, making the situation worse.

If you are patient on the "inside" it will show externally, even if you are raising your voice. If you are impatient on the "inside," no matter how polite or restrained you are externally, people can tell that you are an impatient person. This may go against you if you are looking for agreement, cooperation, or support for your ideas.

You know from your experience how valuable patience can be. Practicing patience is easier once you understand the nuances. It also helps if you are not tired, physically in good shape, and generally a positive minded person.

The question in my mind is, should we ride motorcycles after developing patience, do should we ride motorcycles in order to develop patience?