Saturday, December 16, 2017

The Hunt for Sensations

Before we talk about the key to happiness, we have to explore Vipassana meditation.

In a scene from the movie, The Hunt for Red October, as the Russian submarine tilted and turned to avoid an oncoming torpedo, the glass on the table began to slide towards the edge. Captain Ramius (played by Sean Connery) nonchalantly reaches out to halt its slide. He glanced up, with a hint of a smile, at his tense crew, who were wondering how the Captain could be so calm in the face of such danger.

This is Equanimity. My research suggested that I could develop equanimity by practicing Vipassana. Maybe I too could be like Captain Ramius!

I settled down for another hour of hard meditation. Shri S.N.Goenka’s calm voice intoned me to observe the sensations on my body, reflect upon their impermanence, and not react to any sensation with craving or aversion. 

The instructions were very simple, I said to myself, “How hard can this be?” During the hour, I scanned my body from the tip of my toes to the top of my head, then scanned my body from the top of my head to the tip of my toes. This practice is anything but simple. Thoughts crowded into my wandering mind. Pleasant and unpleasant thoughts came at will and I had no control over them. I soon realized with a blinding flash of the obvious that each thought was a craving or aversion, and each thought revealed my clinging to a past event or wishing for a future event. To my surprise, I discovered that I tended to dwell on thoughts that created aversion as much as I dwelled on thoughts that created craving.

The root of the problem became clear over time--I somehow had the impression that I could think my way out of any situation. I realized that talking to myself is the most useless thing I could do during the meditation (perhaps true of day to day life as well). Goenka-ji advised that during the meditation, the proper response to discovering that my mind had wandered was to bring it back to observing my body sensations, patiently and without self-judgment. This simple act is so incredibly difficult, I resolved to pursue it out of sheer stubbornness. 

It is impossible to correlate a body sensation to a thought. It is unclear which sensation on the body triggered which thought. The point of the meditation was not to control thought or body sensations, but simply to observe my body sensations without reacting to them. Therefore, I had to observe the sensations with equanimity and without any expectation of tangible or measurable benefits. For most people, and even those who are in the early stages of Vipassana meditation, this is counter intuitive and makes no sense. It take faith to persist and once you have shed expectations (and as a side benefit, your ego), you realize, wow, this is amazing. And it is bloody hard work.

It has been proven that our speech and actions (or reactions) are driven by our body sensations. Watch this TEDx talk by Eilona Ariel to get an excellent overview.





Since my body sensations were temporary and always changing, it makes no sense to react to them as if they were permanent, which is what my instinct had been all along. The “ignorance” of the body sensations caused me to say and do things that I would otherwise not say or do. In day to day interactions, it is not always possible to pause and analyze a body sensation before taking action. The meditation practice builds muscle memory, so you instinctively do not react to your body sensations when faced by day to day situations, where you have to respond quickly, and there is not much time to think. It may take years of meditation to overcome the ignorance created since we were born.

If we can unlearn the reactions we have to unknown sensations, we can be thoughtful in our responses to day to day events in daily life. Thus the purpose of Vipassana, is to "see the world as it is, not as you would like it to be". This amazing characteristic about the meditation can be life-changing. In my case, over time, my reactions to thoughts, and day to day events became equanimous as well, instinctively, and without effort.

I experienced the full range of body sensations when I met my wife. She is a delightful, feisty, freckle-faced redhead, part-tomboy, and classy. Her smile sends pleasant sensations shivering all over my body. She lives life in the moment, and has a big laugh to go with her big smile. When her mood darkens, lightening bolts shoot out from her blue eyes, I experience sensations that I would not wish on my worst enemy. Marrying her was an upgrade from public transport to flying first class. Even though she is 99% perfect, it was the 1% that created all the friction in our interactions. However, observing my sensations greatly improved my reactions to what she said and did. My love for her deepened, and I learned to calm my self-criticism at being a less than perfect husband to her. While I am yet to get any credit from her for my efforts, at this point, it does not really matter. I find my journey to become a better husband, and giving her unlimited and unconditional love, much more satisfying than getting her approval.  

A memorable incident where I experienced the full range of body sensations was at the 2011 Cricket World Cup Finals between India and Sri Lanka. I was at my good friend’s house, he graciously hosted me and my two sons. We showed up wearing the Indian team jersey. The game proceeded well, until India started losing wickets and looked in trouble. The captain, M.S. Dhoni strode on to the ground, brandishing his willow, I'm pretty sure he was muttering under his breath, “If I have to get anything done, I gotta do it myself”. He proceeded to display some gritty,
fascinatingly ugly batting, capped by a massive six to clinch the victory. I would later learn in the biopic, M.S.Dhoni The Untold Story, that his technique was not "flawed", he was just "unorthodox". Whatever. He made 1 billion people ecstatic by leading his team to victory at home on the world’s biggest stage for the game of cricket. I suppose you have to be an Indian to experience all the sensations I felt that day. I’d argue all you need is empathy to feel the full range of sensations, because I feel the same for anyone who overcomes adversity, it does not matter what their nationality is. The point I want to make is, by staying equanimous during the ups and downs of the match, I actually ended up enjoying the game far more.

If you want to experience body sensations, there is perhaps no better way than to ride a motorcycle. You may think this is an overstatement, as many people in this world will never get to ride a motorcycle. I will point out that almost everyone who I’ve met during a motorcycle ride looks at me with a mix of awe,

envy, respect, and fear. I can tell that they crave the excitement of riding motorcycles, and are overcome by body sensations as they watch me in full riding gear on a motorcycle.

Motorcycling is a dangerous pastime. It requires me to be totally in the present, my mind cannot wander. The slightest error can be fatal. Not all body sensations during a ride are pleasant. If your motorcycle wobbles as you hit a patch of gravel, you will be buried under unpleasant sensations, your body will tense up, and it will take all your willpower to stay calm until full control is regained. Any rash movement may result in a crash. This is an excellent proxy for meditation, where I have to not react to my body sensations, but deal with the world as it is, not as I would like it to be.

Riding with proper technique brings immense joy. It can be addictive, that is a problem, and I need to explain this in more detail by elaborating on the myths of mediation.

The goal of meditation is not to generate pleasant sensations. In fact, craving pleasant sensations is anti-meditation. The desired outcome of the meditation is equanimity towards pleasant and unpleasant sensations. You gain equanimity by unlearning your reactive behavior, learning to "let go", and taking on positive behaviors. 

Depending on how much "baggage" you have accumulated, the journey to equanimity could be challenging, and for some, very traumatic. I was deeply shocked to learn how I reacted to the events around me. While many of them were never verbalized or followed through, but I am sure the friction I caused in my daily life was in some way related to the negativity in my assumptions.

The goal of meditation is not "control". While self-control will increase, the real goal is to be in the moment, act with wisdom by knowing the world as it is, and to do our best without being too concerned about success or failure.

And finally, the goal of meditation is not to be passive. Yes, the practice calls for sitting still without movement, but that is only during the practice. In the real world, when dealing with day to day challenges, you have to be proactive, positive, and compassionate.

So what does that mean at a practical level? That will take another blog post to explain, stay tuned.